Crafting better then anti depression meds and pain killers, really?

Yes recently CNN released an article talking about how crafting might be a great way to help treat depression, anxiety, chronic pain, fatigue, dementia and even PTSD. Who knew that what I've been creating for years would be helping me in so many ways. 

 In the study it shows how it can decrease stress and increase happiness along with fight the mental battle of aging. 

I know from personal experience when I crafting I'm able to decrease the feeling of sadness and aniexty.  My problem comes into play that I struggle and have a hyper focus kicks in and nothing else around me seems to matter. It's like meditation on a different scale. I tend to get lost in my crafts.   

According to CNN, one study of over 3,500 knitters found that “81% of respondents with depression reported feeling happy after knitting. More than half reported feeling ‘very happy.'” previous studies have shown that other crafts have been shown to do have the same effect.  Sadly there is still not enough studit's dine on the subject as of yet.  Let's hope there is soon . 

So next time your feeling blue pick up your favorite craft and go to town! Don't have a craft well it looks like you should be finding one very soon to help you.  

Below I've attached the link to the CNN study and my etsy account so you can experience my crafting first hand. 

CNN :
http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/25/health/brain-crafting-benefits/index.html

My Etsy:
http://etsy.me/2iIHJJh

Letting Go part 1

Is it truly possible to let go?

This has been a continuous question that I keep coming back to. Is it possible to grow and move past a life of a traumatic childhood.

Why at 31 am I struggling so deeply with dealing with a traumatic child hood. Some may say I'm just sort of whiny spoiled child that was never abused physically or verbally.  My trauma stems from being misunderstood, isolating and unable to properly display emotions which have caused mental health issues. 

I've been deeply trying to work through being part of a broken home, feeling unwanted and unloved on both sides equally.  I yearned so deeply to have someone love me and understand me. 

Looking back at my past romantic relationships before I found the one spirit that matched mine in so many ways. Part of letting go means losing part of a control that will never be yours to own.

Feeling pained even now when I hear something from an outside source that once again makes you feel like a failure and pains you more deeply then you thought it would.  What I realized after feel deeply angriered, but was covering my true emotion which what pain. Once again I felt this feeling slowly sinking me deeply into shame and sadness. Why was I allowing words to effect me so deeply?

Why does it truly matter to me? This person doesn't determine my life and my goals. But yet someone how the words I heard were those of which I heard through out my childhood. 

What made me such an evil person that they could not forgiven? I am far from a perfect person but I strive and aim to be a good person.

Often I would spend nights awake as a child and even now as an adult asking "why was I unloveable? ". I have a feeling that there are a few other people like myself from broken homes thst might be struggling with the same plaguing question. 

I'm here to say your not alone and you are loved! I have started to finely come to terms with love for myself. I recently discovered I have a talent for clay and sculpting.   From the chaos and sadness comes such beauty.

I know this seems like a depressive subject for what is to be a happy and jolly season. Sadly for so many this is not the case. Instead it creates a even deeper sadness.

Remember you are never alone! Happy yule and seasons greetings to everyone.

Phoenix ever rising, mental health and its crippling effect.

            

       So lets get down to the nitty gritty and not sugar coat this subject. Mental Illness, when you hear those words that come to mind? Stigma at its core definition is a sign of disgrace and discredits the individual with the diagnosis. For some reason society still chooses to see people with a illness due to mental health as a sigh of weakness. Would you tell someone that has cancer that they are a weaker person or less of a person because of there condition? Sadly shame then follows in suit when you start being labelled with any sort of mental deficiency. So what happens to most people that experience the stigma of mental illness: Shame, Self blame/hatred, secrecy (which can be deadly at times), feeling like the outsider or black sheep, Isolation, socially withdrawing, and discrimination. 

         I have personally felt the stigma due to a label that in all honestly was not the correct diagnosis. This may be hard for some of my close person friends and family to hear but I will be telling my side of when I started feeling like the black sheep. At a very young age from what I have been told I had very unusual tendency which seem to have now been passed on to my children. I did not understand why I did most of the thing I did and sadly over 20 years ago they did not have the understanding they do now about certain mental health conditions. I still to this day carry some of the traits that may seem odd to some but are perfectly normal for me.

          As a teenager I felt alone, angry, fearful, and unloved most of all. My mother was not around, my father worked most of the time, and my step mother was cold. I would withdraw but at the end of the day I was a remarkably good child. I never snuck out of the house, I didn't do drugs or party. Honestly the worst thing I ever remember doing was sneaking my boyfriend in once when my parents where not there. Yes I did do the petty lies here and there but that was the worst of it. I worked very hard at school even with the dyslexia and I was able to hide among many groups by putting up "masks". I had no true friends to speak of only passing acquaintance. Sadly to this day that is still a norm for me. I have managed to form close bonds with a few select people but it can still become straining when I start to withdraw and isolate.

          As a young adult I had the same high school sweet heart and we were working on 8 years when stress took over and changed my world. We were expecting our first child and at my 12 week check up we found there was no heart beat which was the start of my down world spiral into major depression and anxiety. Then shortly after my grandfather fell and no one expected him to survive the accident but the universe had other plans for him. I remember the day I wanted to take my own like as crystal clear as the day my children were born. I went looking for the bullets to my boyfriends shot gun I just could not take it any longer. Once I could not find them I called my doctor and I was admitted into a mental health facility. It was terrifying and I felt completely and utterly hopeless. What did this mean for my future what was wrong with me?

          I ended losing my job due to the fact I was used more as a guinea pig for medications and could never seem to get any better. The constant depression and crippling anxiety were barely tolerable most days. I was very proud of the job I had for over 4 years and I had worked diligently to get the promotions that I wanted. Since then I have struggled to keep a job for a multitude of different reasons more due to physical health conditions now but others due to the mental  health deficiency I was now dealing with every day.

         Soon after losing my job and I ended my relationship of 8 years. I started dating a new guy that was verbally abusive but all I wanted was to be loved. I ended up pregnant with my beautiful blue eyed red haired angel. What came after her birth was the darkest time in my life. Post-partum depression is one of the most devastating things I have ever experience. I would barely sleep, I was lucky if I ate every couple of days and I also had thoughts of harming my beautiful baby girl that I so desperately wanted, especially after being told I would never bare children. 

          I remember the day I had to be admitted into another mental health facility because my mental stability was declining and if I allowed it to continue I would of harmed either my daughter or myself. Most likely it would of been myself. 7 years later and I still grieve for the lose of my children.I still blame myself and hate myself for not being a "stronger" person. At its core I was strong though I got help and gave both my children the fighting chance to have stability that I could not provide for them at the time. I will not go into much details about my son, but the wonderful family that adopted him are amazing and I could never thank them enough for taking my son and raising him as there own.

         After both adoptions were final I became aimless and would float from place to place and had no real purpose to my life. I was accepted into a school here in Indiana so decided to give myself some distance and moved in well more jumped into another abusive relationship as I had done many times before. I thought this  man was would love me even with all my odd quarks and habits.I remember the the night we were married when we got to the hotel room him saying "well that the paper is signed your my property now." I shrugged it off as a joke but would soon learn to him it was not a joke. We were married just shy of a year after meeting. The marriage lasted less then 6 months due to physical and mental abuse at his hands. I finally was able to escape that nightmare but still felt so alone and hopeless and helpless.

           Now for the last three years I have been blessed to be with a man that is kind, gentle, caring, compassionate, well list could keep going I think you get the point. He changed something in me and I felt alive again and not aimless and hopeless. I had a companion that wanted to listen and wanted to see me as more then a diagnosis on a piece of paper. I say I give him all the credit but that is farthest from the truth, I have friends who love me like family, almost family who are always there when I need them and my fuzzy kitties and a big black bear who knocks over all things with there whilly tail. Along with trying to repair old bonds that have been broken for more years then I can count.

          I am unable to go into great detail as to why I recently had a completely breakdown. All that needs to be said is the love of my life almost died. It rattled me to my core and even though after 5 years of no pharmaceuticals, my homeopathic remedies where just not able to assist as they normally would of. I started to hide away and isolate myself. I still struggle just to walk the door because panic sets in and I feel it crippling me. 

          I finally went to see the doctor who was a resident and he decided to place me on Depakote. I had warned him of my adverse reactions to mood stabilizers in the past but he still encouraged me to try them. By Saturday I was an emotional roller coaster and then Sunday rolled around and I was hearing voices that would tell me things that were horrific. Just a little background I am not schizophrenic so this was brand new for me. I ended up self harming and was taken in another mental health facility. 

         So its not just the general public but also trained physicians that spend less then 30 minutes with a patient before placing a label. I felt like all they heard was family history of Bipolar disorder so there for that is what I have. I was also unaware of a genetic test that can be done to determine which medications would best work with your body. 

           The hardest part through all of this is the stigma I have to fight against with my own personal family. I feel as if I am only seen as a diagnosis and not as ME. Because guess what there is such beauty in my that if you remove a label and finally choose to let the past go you would be amazed. This isn't a curse but secretly a blessing. If it were not for the way my brain chemistry was I would not be able to have the creativity and compassion I have. My life is not what you would call perfect but I love it. I am no longer living by what someone else thinks should be what I look like stable. I am stable for me!!!! I may have moments that I will struggle and need an extra boost but that is why I called it the Phoenix ever rising. From my ashes I will rise happier and more loved then I could ever imagine.

Please feel free to comment and remember........

Whats causing your roots to be out of Sync

Holistic advice. Healing naturally.  Have you ever felt like the world is sitting on your shoulders woke being pulled apart in 5 different directions? Well I know that feeling oh to well. Many people have heard me speak of our chakras and how they play a virtual roll in your physical and psychological health. So what does it mean that your chakras are unbalanced? Well let's talk about each to have a better understanding.

Your chakras are the energy centers of the body: first we find the Root chakra that sits at the base of your spine.

1st Root chakra: 

Physical impairments suck as problems in the legs, hips, tailbone and productive organs can play a part in an imbalance . On the emotional side of this chakra you can feel that your basic survival needs such as money, shelter and food or ability to provide for life necessities have taken a hit. Some little known medical issues that can occur from an imbalance in your Root is degenerative arthritis, knee and back pain including the sciatic, eating disorders have been known to happen along with bowl issues. 

When your root is balanced you will feel lifted and supported. You will often have a sense of connection and safety to the physical world around you. Since this is the root you will feel grounded most of all. Self preservation and your sense right to being here is the key to this chakra.

2nd

Sacral Chakra:

This is located two inches about the belly button. Some Physical impairments that affect this Chakra are sexual and reproductive issues, urinary concerns included in the kidneys, hips pelvis and lower back pain. When it comes to the emotional side of this imbalance, you may struggle with commitment in relationships. Your ability to express emotions openly. Sad fact is your Core Fun and desires including creativity and pleasure are a major down side to a blockage.

When this Chakra is in balanced we are finally able to take those risks we have been fearing to do such as opening a shop or public speaking. When this 2nd chakra is at its peak you will find yourself passionate, sexually strong and confident and outgoing.

When you should learn most from this Chakra is to Honor not just yourself but others as well. 

There are 5 more to go but lets focus on the two we have learned about today. Since it has been shown to best heal your Chakra you must learn and start from the root and go up. Remember your root is your core and your Sacral is your creativity and passion. So here are some great ways to start opening up both of these key Chakra. 

Now imagine you are building a foundation for a home when it comes to your root. This is your solid foundation upon which to build a healthy balance. Mediation is going to be key to healing any imbalance you may have. Through mediation you will connect with your higher self. This has been called many names when reaching that higher plan:  you can call it what you wish, higher power, Consciousness, Mother Nature, God, Gods, or even spirit. I would like you to ponder on something all the creatures in the forest do not always know if they will eat each day but they trust in nature that they will be provided for. 

Smells can be closely related to this first Chakra: some excellent choices to help are Cedar-wood, Frankincense, Myrrh, and Patchouli. For the more experienced with herbs Angelica Root, Benzion, Oak-moss, Spikenard, and Vetiver. 

For all you Yoga lovers out there I would suggest: 

• Pavanamuktasana, knee to chest pose
• Janu Sirsansana, head to knee Pose
• Padmasana, lotus flexion
• Malasana, squatting pose

For women try practicing your Kegal excises. The Mantra Sound that corresponds most with the root chakra is LAM. Finally and one of my favorites are colors and gems to help you. The root Chakra is Red so that in it self can bring several gemstones to mind such as Red Jasper, Blood-stone, and Garnet. All you need to do is place the gemstone on the area of the chakra while laying down to help you open you and align yourself.

The Sacral Chakra is your creativity center along with your sexual chakra. You can find this chakra above the pubic bone but below the navel and does cover the genital area and the hypo gastric plexus. This is the dwelling place of self. The element for this chakra is water which ties hand in hand with cohesiveness. You know this 2nd Chakra is balanced when you have an overall feeling of wellness, pleasure, joy, and abundance. As I state above what its like to have this chakra unbalanced feels like.

Since this chakra ties directly into creativity which can encompass procreation but its not just limited to making a living being. Even when you craft, bake, garden we are creating in different ways. I want you to bare in mind that any time you take raw or old material even if its physical or mental and we take it and turn it into something brand new we are using our creative energy. 

What is truly sad is as we get older we are often discourage from using our creative side and this starts early for most. Sadly once we pass a certain state in school we no longer allow ourselves to create freely as we once did. There for we become a less creative being and hence an imbalance within this chakra. Why are we ok with allowing this imbalance within ourselves and there for our off spring. Who says that we have to follow and accept what others tell us is write or follow the latest trend instead of following our creative instincts. Passion is a key to this Chakra. 

To awaken this creative energy you need to take a steep back and play like a child. Sadly this is a hard thing for most people to do. Do you know why though? I have often observed that we stop taking creative risks because somewhere along the way we were told we just weren't good or could never do it. In opening your second chakra you have to take that risk even if you think your going to fail. 

Processing your emotions is also a key to finding that balance. If you cant get in touch with your emotions you will not ever find balance in this chakra. Don't be afraid to cry its not a weakness in fact its a blessing. Crying and feeling every emotion is a blessing even if its intense. 

A great breaking technique I have come across is called Left nostril breathing often called Ida Nadi breathing. Simply close your right nostril with the first two fingers of your right hand and inhale and exhale through the left nostril, only for 8 to 10 breaths. You have to also realize you must let go of your past to really clear out that chakra. Mediation that you will want to focus on when opening this chakra are:

• Seated pelvic circles: Sitting in a cross-legged or half-lotus pose with your hands on your knees, make circles with your torso. Go around in one direction 5 or 6 times and then switch directions.
• Baddha konasana (butterfly pose) with forward fold: In a seated position, bring the bottoms of your feet together. Let your knees drop to the sides and bring your heels in close to your pelvis. Lengthen the torso and fold forward.
• Bhujangasana (cobra pose): Lie on your stomach with your feet flat on the floor. Place your hands under your shoulders and slowly lift your head, chest, and abdomen while keeping your naval on the floor. Be sure to press down through the pubic bone toward the mat.

Your Mantra sound that best corresponds to the 2nd chakra is VAM. Some herbs and some fun little foodie ideas to help: Apricot Brandy, Apricot, Calendula Petals, Orange Peels, Jasmine flowers, and Coriander. 

I would love to hear from anyone that reads this and let me know if it has helped anyone. Also if your intrested in a handcrafted Chakra pendant visit my etsy store for more items. 

https://www.etsy.com/listing/484394270/chakra-turquoise-earthy-drop-pendant

Sacral Chakra for creativity

So if you aware of a few of your chakras the one that most helps with creativity is your second Chakra call the sacral chakra.  Your sacral chakra is located in your lower abdomen, about one to two inches below your naval. This chakra helps you in so many ways including learning to let go and move on, passion, your feelings center, pleasure, sensuality, intimacy, and connection.

Passion fuels your creativity and today I tapped into just that. Sadly as a society we do not value feelings, which creates a disconnect from our bodies and most of all our feelings and emotions.  So what are some great ways to open up that chakra or rebalance it. Well yoga is an amazing way to do so. Yoga positions that involve the hips and lower abdomen.

If you prefer aroma therapy over Yoga reach for some  Sandalwood, Ylang Ylang, Jasmine, Orange, and Rosewood. Sandalwood is a great oil that may help ease menstrual problems. Ylang Ylang oil has a  calming action on the heart, brings back feelings of self-love, confidence, and joy in the simple things. The next oil is one of my favorites and help on a emotional level in a profound way. Jasmine  opens the deepest layers of the soul, allowing us to get in touch with our emotions. Orange oil is often used for abundance but has many other properties including stimulating the liver and ability to free up stagnant life energy. Don't forget it also brings emotional ease, optimism, creativity, and adaptability. Last but not least is Rosewood oil has aphrodisiac qualities that can help promote hormone secretions. This oil helps to relax and calms your body, it also helps calm your mind and relives stress.

So as I focus on my sacral chakra currently I focus on my crafts and express my creativity.  Finding balance in your body and chakras help you stay healthy and live happily. 

Loss of my root

Traumatic is the closest word I could come to describe life as of recently.  I had sunken into a devastating cycle of despair, self hating, self loathing, and misery.  It often is hard to stay mindful when your world decides to become complete chaos in the matter of moments. 

Devastation hit home when I almost lost the love of my life. The one constant that has driven me to ultimately become a stronger person and have more faith in myself.  I had always heard people speak of how love could change you to your core when you found it but I had never experienced that kind of love before. 

I have loved and have been loved, but the love the grounds you and makes you want to be a better you is an aww inspiring thing. When that was pulled from under me and nearly taken away it was crippling in a new way. I was blessed to not lose that love though. 

Through all the emotions which seemed to pass at times as if lighting had struck to watching a snail crawl across the pavement.  You don't always have time to think about anything but only react.

The last 2 1/2 months I forgot to truly care for myself in all regards and I'm sadly suffering for it now. I feel far from grounded and often can not slow my thoughts down long enough to collect them. 

I have struggled to use my creative outlets as normal and find myself panicking in times that seem irrational.  As I sit here dwelling once again unable to find sanctuary within sleep I know to my core to find balance again I have to take control of what seems uncontrollable. Routine is going to have to become a vital part of my life again. Blogging is one of those outlets I should be using as well to help express myself.

So I set a goal here and now to blog at least twice a week.

Spiritual Awakening

Support system are vital to our everyday survival especially spiritually. Now I am not talking about religion even though the subjects are often inter mingled. It has been shown that human beings that go without human interaction for an extended period of time tend to suffer from lasting mental instability, along with a slue of other issues physically as well. I have always thought that when prisoners are placed in long term solitary only negative will come from it. But that is a whole different argument that I wish not to get into today. I want to talk about the importance of companionship and a support system aka “your” family. Your family does not have to be those who bore you and you share some genetically relation. Your family is your tribe the people you deem close to you and are your support structure not just to protect you physically but to guide each other spiritually to become stronger and having such a lasting bond that you still have each individual with there own thoughts and actions but you also create a oneness. What does Oneness mean to me?

Now I know to some people  that will may consider me a hippie or tree huger. My ideas are a little out there, but I know for a fact I am not alone in my spiritual belief structure.. Who knows maybe this will ring our clearly as it can often ring clearly when you hear bells tolling at 9 am on a Sunday morning, you hear church bells ringing out beckoning the call of its people. Isn’t that not the point of free will, is the ability to disagree with someone but peacefully debate openly and honestly. I believe that we were granted that free will in many different ways not just by chance, especially since we seem to be the dominant mammal on this planet. Nothing compares to humans in the mammal species, unless of course you want to talk dolphin I think they are equivalent to us but only in the sea.J A fun little video too look up is by Spirit Science hidden human history. Its time to embrace our unique sides but also our oneness within each other.

Many of you have heard of the Chakra’s with in the body . Your Chakras are the core of our spiritual power within our human flesh. There are 7 different points and each has a different meaning. There are 3 primary things that people often get confused with a chakra vs an aura and sometimes our Kundalini.

The aura is an emanation surrounding every living creature. Everyone has one we just oblivious to its existence, since its not something completely proven in the eyes of raw science. Most people can see their own aura’s just have never been taught. So I have a little assignment that my favorite sister medium taught me. Take a blank white sheet of paper, place your hand flat on the paper and stare directly at your hand. Keep your eyes open for as long as possible, until you start to see a sort of gray hue around your hand just out of the corner of your eyes. Your eyes will get very excited and of course so will you as well. It takes time and energy to master this wonderful art and opens you up to a world of color and emotion you never thought existed.

Now the Chakras are the energy flow upon which our bodies produce. Some people may also call them Psychic centers. This as your spin as a tree where the base of the spine is the base center aka Muladhara and it stands just above your head, called the crown centre or Sahasrara also called Brahma-cakra. Hence tree of life. Everyone one of them have tales of the human spirit s of the dead or humans having soul. You can learn to balance your Chakra’s with devotion to taking at least 15 minutes out of your day to just relax and learn to realign yourself. You would be amazed how much it can do for you on many levels.

I saved the best for last, this subject has just now been brought to my attention as I have continued my journey and researched as much about every religion and spiritual belief I could find. The Kundalini is the power we hold within our selves as individuals and mystics. Yes whether you want to believe what I am saying or not we all hold this power within the base of our spine. This is a female force( no offense males, you are still mentioned in the word so J and Yes as some of my friends know I can be a feminist but not in the way you think .) In our soul form I have a theory that we are no gender or race just pure energy. Lets get back to the Kundalini, I don’t want to bore all of you to pieces. The Kundalini also called the serpent power. It is our direct connection to which we are connected the planet the place we call earth and to one another. When Mother Nature becomes injured and unable to compensate, humans are feeling this change. Could this be the sudden and drastic rise in rare disorders? Even cancers that we used to not have to be screened for until you are at lease in your 40s. I do not believe that we are fully to blame for the sudden increase in autism or auto immune problems. We do have some blame in which we all need to share as a species. Yes species, I heard it but best from one of my favorite moves from 1999 cult classic in Dogma is when  Rufus said something and it seemed to ring clearly

Kudos

(Bethany and her group are now on a train. She and Rufus are in their cabin and have a small conversation.)
Bethany: What's He like?
Rufus: He likes to listen to people talk. I remember the old days when we were sittin' around the fire. You know, whenever we were goin' on about unimportant shit, He'd always have a smile on his face. His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out His name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. The big one though, is the factioning of the religions. He said, "Mankind got it all wrong by takin' a good idea and building a belief structure out of it."
Bethany: So you're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I just think it's better to have an idea. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic belief system in this Plenary Indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.

When is your turn to not question your Faith or belief but look as your  spirituality? I like to think of mine as more ideas then hard core beliefs Where does in any religious text does it say spiritually is not allowed to evolve and change. Even religion is evolving and we are starting to open our eyes. For more information I will attach a link that has a very wonderful description of all three, Spiritually I am traditional witch I will explain on my next excerpt.. I am the happiest spiritually then I have been every in my life before. I was lucky enough to not just find a companion but the person I hold in the utmost  highest esteem, that holds my same beliefs for the most part of course. So before I wrap everything up and stop my rambling for the night, I have one simple question what do you think the difference between spiritually and religion is. Yes I understand they often coincide within one another. I urge you to think outside of what you know and think outside that bubble. Everyone's experience will be very different and often difficult in one way or another, but we all deserve Happiness. Why can't that be our goal is to find your spiritual happiness and spiritual tribe>

Spiritually with you always

M

Follow the link below to read a wonderful artlical about all three subjects.

Aura-*-Chakras-*-Kundalini

 Oneness by Melissa Carper

Oneness opening by Melissa Carper

Alien Dragon Trigger Within.

The question I think about today makes me wonder if we are predesdine to go throught  the burdens of being a human. The question then possed an even more curious one. I sometimes wonder if we have caused the on slot of pain, aches, heart difficulties, mental abnormalities, etc; are causing ourselves as a race these trials or has this always been a part of our species as a whole. There will be many arguments about this topic, I can already hear them ringing in my ear like a melodic ballad in the next bigger question. This question is already being silently yet emphatically asked not just by mass patient of autoimmune society and there cherished ones, but also in the clinical one. So what is the clinical meaning in this fascinating question, your body is some how responding to an unknown trigger. Why does our body feel threatened enough to produce antibodies that start fighting, but what imaginary Alien Dragon are we trying to fight? Why our knights and Ninja’s  being called to action, what is invading our bodies that can not be seen?

Could this be a way for our bodies to naturally scale down in population? Have we grown to large as a race that we are now by natures design forcing our species to cut back in its numbers. If you look at some historical facts you learn that in our far distant past there was a mass drop in our human ancestry dropped to a mere 40 coupling pairs left on the plant. Many theories come to light but that is for another time.

Another side to this multidimensional question, could it be chemicals we use to better advance our species. We have found over the last hundreds of years that certain things are apparently harmful to humans but are still used in products. What about the chemicals we are just now discovering are causing very serious issues for ourselves and all of our future generations.

More pondering has to be done before any of these answers must be found. Today has been another struggling one. I find solace in my writing and drawing. My hands ache as I type but I have a stronger urge to communicate through writing and imagery and focus the pain away from my passion. Hope is always there you just have to find it within yourself and the ones around you. Love always. M

Pain Minions

Minions (noun) a follower or underling of a powerful person, especially a servile or unimportant one. As of lately all I can seem to do is lie back and allow the world to pass me by. Not by any means of my own but instead I am trapped under a much more ruthless tyrant. Pain of unknown cause or source. Every joint enclosed within my casing aches and burns with a pain that can not seem be appeased. With the pain that is clearly the leader of this unruly band of Minions. Lethargy is ready to follow and keep up his sides of the unrelenting misery as of late. The pure exhaustion makes my soul want to bawl out in anguish. My nights to seem to be filled in wakefulness and wait for the next break of dawn. I hold out in hope that I will banish the cage I appear to be stuck in. I stay steadfast in my resolve that working with my trusted medical practioners I will once again regain my body. For now I committed to fighting this battle with all I have in me. Drawing and writing seem to bring me joy which seem to be difficult during some days. But sometimes I wonder if that is all this is a trial. Today I drew an image of how I felt and everywhere the pain radiates from. I am happy to say I have started Vitamin D in hopes that my levels will return to normal. I hope everyone enjoys the imagine is so rightfully called.

Pains Minions Original by Melissa Carper   06-13-2016

Cherish

Pain, frustration, anger, hopelessness. All emotions streaming through my body in a whirl wind of pure and utter despair. Day by day passes and no resolution ever seems to help. I remember vividly the day in which I took notice of my body starting to diminish. At first I had chalked it up all symptoms from H1N1 but then something changed as the weeks went on and my body was only getting worse as time elapsed. Some days and even weeks I have been given the glimpse of hope of normality. Then it began like a fierce feral beast ready to rip through all of my body, violent night sweats the constant feeling of have no life force but laying there not understanding why no matter how much I told my brain to move it would not. My legs often feel as if they are weighted down with heavy bricks as I lay under a blanket. The feeling of pressure and vibration coming from ever joint and bone.

My limbs shake while standing still and I sway in pain. The moment I stop moving the moment my body screams simultaneously an operatic chorus of pure electricity running through my body. My hands feel like they are vibrating so intently I feel like I want to take all energy and it expel it to rid my self of the plague that has become my body.

The headaches are the next trial that seems to take place. They start a mild form of the feeling the room is rotating in a way that could not reasonably be possible. The pain always starts in the back of my skull and crawls through every open crevasse it can find to cause the pain to be unmistakable.

As of recently an old and often it seems an uninvited in all ways, guest arrived.  The Sadness and grief of life missed and self whoaling, asking so many whys that your brain can never seem to keep up to all the self doubting. My brain races looking for answers and reading as much information as it could possibly contain about blood work and labs and looking at my symptoms and crossing them against a data base and wealth of knowledge. We have surprisingly learned to become our own sort of sudo doctors.

Being within the medical field as a patient I want to go in ready with all my arsenal of research and stats along with a brainstorming sessions. I had the privilege to meet a doctor that listened to what I was telling her and helped me to start the first steps towards a solution.    

As I wait for a solution to an unknown enemy, that wishes to do me bodily harm, I have to ask myself the hard questions of life. How can I learn to take my body and fight back in every way I can. My quest is only just beginning and it will have its strong rivers that wish to only allow me to sleep with in her rolling and sweet embrace. That path may be painful yet bittersweet but not an option I choose to give in to.

I have already missed so much in my life and in the lives I truly hold most dear. So many apologies and so many words for each and everyone one.

My dearest and most cherished child. You were born out of chaos you never asked for the turmoil in all of this. Not a day escapes me that my thoughts wander to you and wonder how you are doing and how you are playing. What stories do you tell, what brings you joy and laughter? I urn every day for what I have lost, I was blessed because of you.

To my darling child designed and conjured by destiny herself. You were a blessing far more divine then every could be hoped for. I know you are strong and are loved by so many not just next to you but afar.

To both of you I did what only can be placed into one emotion Love. My brain was not capable to fight the dragons that manifested before me. Love is eternal in all things; my love is boundless for  you both. I hope to one day have you in my life as a confidante and a friend.

To my steadfast father, unwavering love is something you exude. The void that exists has one loan occupant to blame, and I must shoulder that burden. You went with out praise and thanks for the incredible fetes you accomplished standing alone as a pillar of strength and continuous reminder of your undying love. I cut and mane all ties out of fear that I have not lived up to the amazing father that stands before me. I wish I knew how to open the part of me that have been behind locked doors and windows.  I urn to be close to you and talk in a manner were I have my father back. Yet you never left just seem to be patiently waiting for the day were I break down the walls the tower over me.

To the women who became a beacon when I was covered in fog. Mother and mom is the title you have most nobly  accepted, even though I do no contain any of your genetic code. You stepped into a position the would define my whole existence and encourage me to always find my happiness. You were the bearing witness to the most momentous occasion of my life, when I was to give life to another. You held my hand and guided me until you could go no further since I had to go the path alone. You where my strength when I had none to give. You did something that was extrustrating for all sides and protected the one thing I held most dear. You were stead fast and fierce, I would of expected nothing less from my beacon.

I plague on the what if and get no solution but only burning pain of sadness. That is a dark place I am done dwelling with in. I am ready to move forward and I want you within that move. For without the people I hold most sacred in my life would life be filled with the meaning or would it be barren and desolate if I attempt to go it alone.

To my Sister medium, family ties are only a glimpse into the connection we have. We have watch each other grows and change and morph into beautiful creatures that are unique and inspiring. Your guideness is cherished and the bond I feel we have is one that sisters have the privilege of sharing. Our mothers may be sisters and not always see on the same wave length, this does not deter our bond from intensifying and becoming more profound in time

To the maternal matriarch of my family, there are no words that can describe the bond we share. You listened for hours and lulled me to sleep when I could not nothing but cry myself to exhaustion. Your failing heath burdens me with sadness as you look into the jaws of something greater. I am far from ready to bid you far well in this world. I grow saddened as times elapses and I am unable to come to visit. All I wish to do is sit and talk to you and merely be around your being. You make me feel safe and loved and I cherish you as more then my Meme but as a mother. I know days seem bleak as of late but as long as you hold on to the fact that you have brought so much joy and wisdom into my life I hope it helps bring a dazzling and newfound sense of hope.

To the family that blood does not bind us, you have been an incredible support system and kept an open mind and most importantly an open heart. I hope to one day have the privilege of calling you Mother and Father. You have been a sounding board and an ear to listen when the need ever arise. Your kindness and generosity are unparallel, I wish to one day pay you in some way for deeds you did out of love.

The mother who bore me, I hope all is well in the world you have called your home. I wish every day that I could have the closeness I once urned for so victoriously, it nearly drove me mad . Now I feel pity and sadness in a way that I have never felt before. I see the light in your eyes dying out and all I can do is hope and have faith that one day you will arise from the ashes, the vibrant and beautiful women I know you to be. The past is unchangeable, but the future is still waiting to be forged. When will it be time for my outreached hand to finally feel yours within it?

Finally to the man that needs no grand introduction. When you look at me love emotes from all body. You are the link to all things in my life. Your presence is like a new emotion tied into all things that are good and right in the world. You woke a part of me up and made me realized what I have always longed. You have emeson power and strength that I am jealous of, you are a complex enigma yet a simplistic light in which I am drawn to. You bring out my joy, and embrace in my sorrow with a firm touch and a gentle reassurance. I feel as if I am at one with the world as long as you remain in it by my side shoulder to shoulder. You see the worst of what the uncontrollable disease has done to me. You see first hand the moments were I am too weak to even stand without support. You hold my hand steadfast when the pain becomes so unbearable and you watch and wish to take my place. You do more then any one person should have to shoulder. You are my caregiver, my rock, my spiritual adviser, and my constant debate opponent. I owe you for bringing the light back out in me. You beautiful children have been nothing short of a miracle in my life. You intrusted me with three of the most beautiful and unique spirits I have ever meet. Each one a vibrant and profound energy.

To my friends that have been with me for years or only months I also owe you a great thanks, a women who saw something in me and gave me a chance and stood beside me for 2 years watching me grow and change. For the neighbor who no matter what is going on will drop what ever is happening to come to my side because all I needed was to talk. To the women who has many opinions that converge as many individuals you have be come a little sister and family without needed the blood ties. 

For almost 5 years I have fought a battle that seems unrelenting and hell bent on watching me wither. I find myself begging and bartering for a solution that may never come. I go nights where I am up listless and plagued with pain those radiators in every bone and nerve that my body contains. I keep my head high and now its time for me to fight back. I feel like the fight of a lifetime is looming and I have to be ready to push through and find a way to reclaim what is rightfully mine. For my body to heal I need my support system in place and I need to repair the bridges that I watched burn. No more masks no more hiding. I want openness and honest in my life. Secrets and lies devastate us in a way that can break us down.

My battle begins and its going to be a hell of a ride.