Cherish

Pain, frustration, anger, hopelessness. All emotions streaming through my body in a whirl wind of pure and utter despair. Day by day passes and no resolution ever seems to help. I remember vividly the day in which I took notice of my body starting to diminish. At first I had chalked it up all symptoms from H1N1 but then something changed as the weeks went on and my body was only getting worse as time elapsed. Some days and even weeks I have been given the glimpse of hope of normality. Then it began like a fierce feral beast ready to rip through all of my body, violent night sweats the constant feeling of have no life force but laying there not understanding why no matter how much I told my brain to move it would not. My legs often feel as if they are weighted down with heavy bricks as I lay under a blanket. The feeling of pressure and vibration coming from ever joint and bone.

My limbs shake while standing still and I sway in pain. The moment I stop moving the moment my body screams simultaneously an operatic chorus of pure electricity running through my body. My hands feel like they are vibrating so intently I feel like I want to take all energy and it expel it to rid my self of the plague that has become my body.

The headaches are the next trial that seems to take place. They start a mild form of the feeling the room is rotating in a way that could not reasonably be possible. The pain always starts in the back of my skull and crawls through every open crevasse it can find to cause the pain to be unmistakable.

As of recently an old and often it seems an uninvited in all ways, guest arrived.  The Sadness and grief of life missed and self whoaling, asking so many whys that your brain can never seem to keep up to all the self doubting. My brain races looking for answers and reading as much information as it could possibly contain about blood work and labs and looking at my symptoms and crossing them against a data base and wealth of knowledge. We have surprisingly learned to become our own sort of sudo doctors.

Being within the medical field as a patient I want to go in ready with all my arsenal of research and stats along with a brainstorming sessions. I had the privilege to meet a doctor that listened to what I was telling her and helped me to start the first steps towards a solution.    

As I wait for a solution to an unknown enemy, that wishes to do me bodily harm, I have to ask myself the hard questions of life. How can I learn to take my body and fight back in every way I can. My quest is only just beginning and it will have its strong rivers that wish to only allow me to sleep with in her rolling and sweet embrace. That path may be painful yet bittersweet but not an option I choose to give in to.

I have already missed so much in my life and in the lives I truly hold most dear. So many apologies and so many words for each and everyone one.

My dearest and most cherished child. You were born out of chaos you never asked for the turmoil in all of this. Not a day escapes me that my thoughts wander to you and wonder how you are doing and how you are playing. What stories do you tell, what brings you joy and laughter? I urn every day for what I have lost, I was blessed because of you.

To my darling child designed and conjured by destiny herself. You were a blessing far more divine then every could be hoped for. I know you are strong and are loved by so many not just next to you but afar.

To both of you I did what only can be placed into one emotion Love. My brain was not capable to fight the dragons that manifested before me. Love is eternal in all things; my love is boundless for  you both. I hope to one day have you in my life as a confidante and a friend.

To my steadfast father, unwavering love is something you exude. The void that exists has one loan occupant to blame, and I must shoulder that burden. You went with out praise and thanks for the incredible fetes you accomplished standing alone as a pillar of strength and continuous reminder of your undying love. I cut and mane all ties out of fear that I have not lived up to the amazing father that stands before me. I wish I knew how to open the part of me that have been behind locked doors and windows.  I urn to be close to you and talk in a manner were I have my father back. Yet you never left just seem to be patiently waiting for the day were I break down the walls the tower over me.

To the women who became a beacon when I was covered in fog. Mother and mom is the title you have most nobly  accepted, even though I do no contain any of your genetic code. You stepped into a position the would define my whole existence and encourage me to always find my happiness. You were the bearing witness to the most momentous occasion of my life, when I was to give life to another. You held my hand and guided me until you could go no further since I had to go the path alone. You where my strength when I had none to give. You did something that was extrustrating for all sides and protected the one thing I held most dear. You were stead fast and fierce, I would of expected nothing less from my beacon.

I plague on the what if and get no solution but only burning pain of sadness. That is a dark place I am done dwelling with in. I am ready to move forward and I want you within that move. For without the people I hold most sacred in my life would life be filled with the meaning or would it be barren and desolate if I attempt to go it alone.

To my Sister medium, family ties are only a glimpse into the connection we have. We have watch each other grows and change and morph into beautiful creatures that are unique and inspiring. Your guideness is cherished and the bond I feel we have is one that sisters have the privilege of sharing. Our mothers may be sisters and not always see on the same wave length, this does not deter our bond from intensifying and becoming more profound in time

To the maternal matriarch of my family, there are no words that can describe the bond we share. You listened for hours and lulled me to sleep when I could not nothing but cry myself to exhaustion. Your failing heath burdens me with sadness as you look into the jaws of something greater. I am far from ready to bid you far well in this world. I grow saddened as times elapses and I am unable to come to visit. All I wish to do is sit and talk to you and merely be around your being. You make me feel safe and loved and I cherish you as more then my Meme but as a mother. I know days seem bleak as of late but as long as you hold on to the fact that you have brought so much joy and wisdom into my life I hope it helps bring a dazzling and newfound sense of hope.

To the family that blood does not bind us, you have been an incredible support system and kept an open mind and most importantly an open heart. I hope to one day have the privilege of calling you Mother and Father. You have been a sounding board and an ear to listen when the need ever arise. Your kindness and generosity are unparallel, I wish to one day pay you in some way for deeds you did out of love.

The mother who bore me, I hope all is well in the world you have called your home. I wish every day that I could have the closeness I once urned for so victoriously, it nearly drove me mad . Now I feel pity and sadness in a way that I have never felt before. I see the light in your eyes dying out and all I can do is hope and have faith that one day you will arise from the ashes, the vibrant and beautiful women I know you to be. The past is unchangeable, but the future is still waiting to be forged. When will it be time for my outreached hand to finally feel yours within it?

Finally to the man that needs no grand introduction. When you look at me love emotes from all body. You are the link to all things in my life. Your presence is like a new emotion tied into all things that are good and right in the world. You woke a part of me up and made me realized what I have always longed. You have emeson power and strength that I am jealous of, you are a complex enigma yet a simplistic light in which I am drawn to. You bring out my joy, and embrace in my sorrow with a firm touch and a gentle reassurance. I feel as if I am at one with the world as long as you remain in it by my side shoulder to shoulder. You see the worst of what the uncontrollable disease has done to me. You see first hand the moments were I am too weak to even stand without support. You hold my hand steadfast when the pain becomes so unbearable and you watch and wish to take my place. You do more then any one person should have to shoulder. You are my caregiver, my rock, my spiritual adviser, and my constant debate opponent. I owe you for bringing the light back out in me. You beautiful children have been nothing short of a miracle in my life. You intrusted me with three of the most beautiful and unique spirits I have ever meet. Each one a vibrant and profound energy.

To my friends that have been with me for years or only months I also owe you a great thanks, a women who saw something in me and gave me a chance and stood beside me for 2 years watching me grow and change. For the neighbor who no matter what is going on will drop what ever is happening to come to my side because all I needed was to talk. To the women who has many opinions that converge as many individuals you have be come a little sister and family without needed the blood ties. 

For almost 5 years I have fought a battle that seems unrelenting and hell bent on watching me wither. I find myself begging and bartering for a solution that may never come. I go nights where I am up listless and plagued with pain those radiators in every bone and nerve that my body contains. I keep my head high and now its time for me to fight back. I feel like the fight of a lifetime is looming and I have to be ready to push through and find a way to reclaim what is rightfully mine. For my body to heal I need my support system in place and I need to repair the bridges that I watched burn. No more masks no more hiding. I want openness and honest in my life. Secrets and lies devastate us in a way that can break us down.

My battle begins and its going to be a hell of a ride.