So lets get down to the nitty gritty and not sugar coat this subject. Mental Illness, when you hear those words that come to mind? Stigma at its core definition is a sign of disgrace and discredits the individual with the diagnosis. For some reason society still chooses to see people with a illness due to mental health as a sigh of weakness. Would you tell someone that has cancer that they are a weaker person or less of a person because of there condition? Sadly shame then follows in suit when you start being labelled with any sort of mental deficiency. So what happens to most people that experience the stigma of mental illness: Shame, Self blame/hatred, secrecy (which can be deadly at times), feeling like the outsider or black sheep, Isolation, socially withdrawing, and discrimination.
I have personally felt the stigma due to a label that in all honestly was not the correct diagnosis. This may be hard for some of my close person friends and family to hear but I will be telling my side of when I started feeling like the black sheep. At a very young age from what I have been told I had very unusual tendency which seem to have now been passed on to my children. I did not understand why I did most of the thing I did and sadly over 20 years ago they did not have the understanding they do now about certain mental health conditions. I still to this day carry some of the traits that may seem odd to some but are perfectly normal for me.
As a teenager I felt alone, angry, fearful, and unloved most of all. My mother was not around, my father worked most of the time, and my step mother was cold. I would withdraw but at the end of the day I was a remarkably good child. I never snuck out of the house, I didn't do drugs or party. Honestly the worst thing I ever remember doing was sneaking my boyfriend in once when my parents where not there. Yes I did do the petty lies here and there but that was the worst of it. I worked very hard at school even with the dyslexia and I was able to hide among many groups by putting up "masks". I had no true friends to speak of only passing acquaintance. Sadly to this day that is still a norm for me. I have managed to form close bonds with a few select people but it can still become straining when I start to withdraw and isolate.
As a young adult I had the same high school sweet heart and we were working on 8 years when stress took over and changed my world. We were expecting our first child and at my 12 week check up we found there was no heart beat which was the start of my down world spiral into major depression and anxiety. Then shortly after my grandfather fell and no one expected him to survive the accident but the universe had other plans for him. I remember the day I wanted to take my own like as crystal clear as the day my children were born. I went looking for the bullets to my boyfriends shot gun I just could not take it any longer. Once I could not find them I called my doctor and I was admitted into a mental health facility. It was terrifying and I felt completely and utterly hopeless. What did this mean for my future what was wrong with me?
I ended losing my job due to the fact I was used more as a guinea pig for medications and could never seem to get any better. The constant depression and crippling anxiety were barely tolerable most days. I was very proud of the job I had for over 4 years and I had worked diligently to get the promotions that I wanted. Since then I have struggled to keep a job for a multitude of different reasons more due to physical health conditions now but others due to the mental health deficiency I was now dealing with every day.
Soon after losing my job and I ended my relationship of 8 years. I started dating a new guy that was verbally abusive but all I wanted was to be loved. I ended up pregnant with my beautiful blue eyed red haired angel. What came after her birth was the darkest time in my life. Post-partum depression is one of the most devastating things I have ever experience. I would barely sleep, I was lucky if I ate every couple of days and I also had thoughts of harming my beautiful baby girl that I so desperately wanted, especially after being told I would never bare children.
I remember the day I had to be admitted into another mental health facility because my mental stability was declining and if I allowed it to continue I would of harmed either my daughter or myself. Most likely it would of been myself. 7 years later and I still grieve for the lose of my children.I still blame myself and hate myself for not being a "stronger" person. At its core I was strong though I got help and gave both my children the fighting chance to have stability that I could not provide for them at the time. I will not go into much details about my son, but the wonderful family that adopted him are amazing and I could never thank them enough for taking my son and raising him as there own.
After both adoptions were final I became aimless and would float from place to place and had no real purpose to my life. I was accepted into a school here in Indiana so decided to give myself some distance and moved in well more jumped into another abusive relationship as I had done many times before. I thought this man was would love me even with all my odd quarks and habits.I remember the the night we were married when we got to the hotel room him saying "well that the paper is signed your my property now." I shrugged it off as a joke but would soon learn to him it was not a joke. We were married just shy of a year after meeting. The marriage lasted less then 6 months due to physical and mental abuse at his hands. I finally was able to escape that nightmare but still felt so alone and hopeless and helpless.
Now for the last three years I have been blessed to be with a man that is kind, gentle, caring, compassionate, well list could keep going I think you get the point. He changed something in me and I felt alive again and not aimless and hopeless. I had a companion that wanted to listen and wanted to see me as more then a diagnosis on a piece of paper. I say I give him all the credit but that is farthest from the truth, I have friends who love me like family, almost family who are always there when I need them and my fuzzy kitties and a big black bear who knocks over all things with there whilly tail. Along with trying to repair old bonds that have been broken for more years then I can count.
I am unable to go into great detail as to why I recently had a completely breakdown. All that needs to be said is the love of my life almost died. It rattled me to my core and even though after 5 years of no pharmaceuticals, my homeopathic remedies where just not able to assist as they normally would of. I started to hide away and isolate myself. I still struggle just to walk the door because panic sets in and I feel it crippling me.
I finally went to see the doctor who was a resident and he decided to place me on Depakote. I had warned him of my adverse reactions to mood stabilizers in the past but he still encouraged me to try them. By Saturday I was an emotional roller coaster and then Sunday rolled around and I was hearing voices that would tell me things that were horrific. Just a little background I am not schizophrenic so this was brand new for me. I ended up self harming and was taken in another mental health facility.
So its not just the general public but also trained physicians that spend less then 30 minutes with a patient before placing a label. I felt like all they heard was family history of Bipolar disorder so there for that is what I have. I was also unaware of a genetic test that can be done to determine which medications would best work with your body.
The hardest part through all of this is the stigma I have to fight against with my own personal family. I feel as if I am only seen as a diagnosis and not as ME. Because guess what there is such beauty in my that if you remove a label and finally choose to let the past go you would be amazed. This isn't a curse but secretly a blessing. If it were not for the way my brain chemistry was I would not be able to have the creativity and compassion I have. My life is not what you would call perfect but I love it. I am no longer living by what someone else thinks should be what I look like stable. I am stable for me!!!! I may have moments that I will struggle and need an extra boost but that is why I called it the Phoenix ever rising. From my ashes I will rise happier and more loved then I could ever imagine.
Please feel free to comment and remember........
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