Is it truly possible to let go?
This has been a continuous question that I keep coming back to. Is it possible to grow and move past a life of a traumatic childhood.
Why at 31 am I struggling so deeply with dealing with a traumatic child hood. Some may say I'm just sort of whiny spoiled child that was never abused physically or verbally. My trauma stems from being misunderstood, isolating and unable to properly display emotions which have caused mental health issues.
I've been deeply trying to work through being part of a broken home, feeling unwanted and unloved on both sides equally. I yearned so deeply to have someone love me and understand me.
Looking back at my past romantic relationships before I found the one spirit that matched mine in so many ways. Part of letting go means losing part of a control that will never be yours to own.
Feeling pained even now when I hear something from an outside source that once again makes you feel like a failure and pains you more deeply then you thought it would. What I realized after feel deeply angriered, but was covering my true emotion which what pain. Once again I felt this feeling slowly sinking me deeply into shame and sadness. Why was I allowing words to effect me so deeply?
Why does it truly matter to me? This person doesn't determine my life and my goals. But yet someone how the words I heard were those of which I heard through out my childhood.
What made me such an evil person that they could not forgiven? I am far from a perfect person but I strive and aim to be a good person.
Often I would spend nights awake as a child and even now as an adult asking "why was I unloveable? ". I have a feeling that there are a few other people like myself from broken homes thst might be struggling with the same plaguing question.
I'm here to say your not alone and you are loved! I have started to finely come to terms with love for myself. I recently discovered I have a talent for clay and sculpting. From the chaos and sadness comes such beauty.
I know this seems like a depressive subject for what is to be a happy and jolly season. Sadly for so many this is not the case. Instead it creates a even deeper sadness.
Remember you are never alone! Happy yule and seasons greetings to everyone.
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